Can a woman forgive an affair? Not if the man gave her his heart

By Sally Brampton

Betrayed: Yvonne and Ronan Keating’s marriage hit the rocks after he cheated with dancer Francine Cornell, right


After pop star Ronan Keating's affair was exposed, his wronged wife Yvonne has come out and said something many other betrayed women have felt before her.

The reason she is finding it so hard to forgive him is that 'it wasn't just sex, it was emotional'.

In other words, a one-night stand is one thing - in time a woman can forgive a sexual betrayal - but a prolonged liaison is different. You see, if there's one thing a woman can't bear, it's having her emotional security threatened.

Interestingly, when it comes to divorce, the majority of men sue on the grounds of adultery - whereas women sue on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour.

Men can't stand the idea of another man laying claim to his woman's body, while women can't stand the idea of another woman laying claim to her man's heart.

What a woman really minds is discovering that her man is whispering sweet nothings to another woman and bestowing on them the kind of attention that he used to reserve for her.

Attention and affection is what a woman really wants, even if they've been married for ever. So the fact he's giving it out elsewhere is a betrayal amounting to high treason

As an agony aunt, I receive letters from women who have discovered that their husbands have been having an affair. They almost always say that if it had just been a one-night stand, they could have forgiven it (we're all human).

But it's the length of the relationship and the betrayal involved they can't tolerate. As one woman put it: 'If he can lie straight to my face, day after day, for months, what else is he capable of?'

Again, it is not so much about the sex as the emotional attachment they care about: 'I don't think I can ever trust him again.'

Many women are terrified by their own responses. Would they ever be able to truly feel safe in the relationship again?

As a friend of mine said, after she had discovered her partner had been having an affair for years, not only did she feel like an idiot for not seeing it - and for trusting him completely - she was terrified that she would turn into a suspicious, jealous bitch (her word).

'I'd constantly want to punish him and I don't want to be that sort of person,' she said.
'I would end up not only hating him, but hating myself, too.'

At the same time, if a woman strays, it tends not to be for the lure of a pair of buff biceps and a six-pack, but because she is feeling ignored at home.

The letters I receive as an agony aunt from women secretly confessing to affairs are never about sex.

They are, without exception, about their husband treating them like a piece of furniture.

'He doesn't even notice I exist,' is one complaint. The other (most common) is: 'He doesn't talk to me.'

So when the bloke in the office takes them out for a drink, hangs on their every word and treats them like the most fascinating creature that ever walked the earth, they fall hook, line and sinker. It is the talk that really matters. The sex usually comes later.


Forgiving: Hillary and Bill Clinton stayed together after his indiscretions with Monica Lewinsky, right, because he had no real feelings for her


Talk, as far as women are concerned, is not cheap. Intimacy is about communication, whether it is verbal or physical and, if the letters I get from women are anything to go by, once verbal communication goes out of the window, sex goes out of the bedroom.

Women need to know they have a unique emotional connection with their partner: that is why they can't bear to have it shattered by another woman.

A friend of mine who is in the feverish honeymoon period of a new love affair, goes into freefall if a day goes by when she doesn't get a text from her boyfriend - no matter how great the sex they have is when they are together.

'I don't ask for much,' she complains. And she is right. It doesn't take much to keep us happy. Which is why some women are prepared to forgive a sexual betrayal - if only their husband still loves them and is willing to work for her forgiveness.

I have even known unusual couples who have an agreement (for whatever reason) that their partner - and that usually means the man - may have sex with other women.

It all works perfectly until their man becomes emotionally involved - because after that it's not actually the exchange of body fluids that matters to us (although we don't much like that, either) it is the exchange of affection.

Perhaps that is why Hillary famously forgave Bill 'I did not have sexual relations with that woman' Clinton - not because she didn't mind a spot of out-of-hours canoodling, but because it was obvious that her husband had no feelings for Monica Lewinsky other than lust.

'That woman' was never any threat to Hillary because she may just as well have been a blow-up sex doll. But what of the reasons for these differences between the sexes?

Why can women forgive sex whereas men can't? The thing is, like it or not, as far as evolution is concerned, we really are built differently.

Men are made to spread their seed as far and wide as possible to ensure the continuation of their genes, while female survival means securing a mate to protect her children.

When there are a few hundred predators stalking the landscape outside the cave, you had better be sure you have got a hunter-gatherer by your side.

What he does when he is out on one of his late night forays is his business, as long as he brings home the bacon. But when he stays out scattering nuts and berries outside another woman's cave, your very existence, as well as that of your children, is in serious danger.

For women, love is not simply a question of champagne and flowers. It serves as a bonding process to keep men by their side, so for them it's an urgent matter of survival.

There is a science to all this, too. Dr David Goldmeier, lead clinician at the Sexual Function Clinic at St Mary's hospital in London, says: 'It's easier for men. We have 15 times the levels of testosterone, so if we see the right female, we're off.'
Whereas women have, what he calls, 'responsive desire'.

In other words, women need to feel an emotional connection to the man in their life - and if they feel that connection has been broken because of another woman, they can struggle to ever forgive their man.

So when Yvonne Keating (or any other woman) says she is more devastated about her husband's emotional than sexual infidelity, she's got science - and evolution - on her side.

source: dailymail

Finally, the £25 pill for men that could end premature ejaculation

By Jenny Hope

Up to one in three men suffer from premature ejaculation. The new drug could help sufferers have more control


Men whose love lives are short on staying power are finally getting a pill to tackle the problem.

The first drug for premature ejaculation goes on sale from today on private prescription.

The problem affects one in three men at some stage in their lives but many are too embarrassed to discuss it with a loved one, let alone a doctor

The pill called Priligy is taken one to three hours before sex and can increase staying power threefold. However, it comes at a price - with a pack of three 30mg tablets costing £76.

It has become available in other European countries in recent months and is now available in the UK following clinical tests.

It works by altering levels of a chemical in the brain called serotonin, giving the man more control. Side effects are mostly mild, although men taking it are advised to avoid alcohol.

The drug, manufactured by Johnson & Johnson, will be sold only on the internet following an online consultation with a doctor.

Nitin Makadia, of Lloydspharmacy, which is running the service, said: 'Priligy has the potential to do as much for men's sexual health as Viagra.

'It will give sufferers a chance to improve the quality of their relationships and their general wellbeing.

'It has been well received by men elsewhere in Europe and we are really pleased to be bringing this treatment to the UK. By providing consultations online we hope to be able to help as many men as possible.

'Some men are understandably reluctant to discuss the problem with their GP so we are removing this barrier to treatment.'

Until now men have had to rely on basic treatments such as local anaesthetic sprays and creams, condoms to reduce sensitivity, and behavioural counselling.

Patients accepted for treatment will be asked to pay for the drug, which will be sent 'securely and discreetly' through the post.

Men who obtain the pill but do not suffer from premature ejaculation may be disappointed with it. Trials show the average time gained is two minutes.


source: dailymail

Will I ever make love again? Four women reveal why their sex lives have simply fizzled out

Stark statistic: A quarter of British women over the age of 35 never have sex


A survey last week revealed that a quarter of British women over the age of 35 never have sex. Some are single, some divorced - and some are still married. Here, the women behind the statistics reveal what's gone wrong...

Angela Garvin's last relationship broke up 12 years ago, and since it ended she hasn't had sex once.

At first, the 42-year-old PA found it hard to move on from her ex-boyfriend; then she found it hard to meet someone new. Before she realised it, five years had passed without sex, then ten, and still it goes on.

'I feel embarrassed about it,' Angela admits. 'It makes me sound odd, but it's simply that I've never got back into the swing of things - and now I don't really know how to.'

And evidence suggests that she is not alone. A survey last week revealed that a quarter of British women over the age of 35 never have sex.

Those that took part in the poll include women across the social spectrum: career-driven singletons, wives, mothers and divorcees.

The stark statistic raises wide-ranging questions about the sex lives of British women and how modern life is taking its toll on this most intimate, private part of their lives.

'It's to do with lifestyle and life stage,' says relationship psychologist Susan Quilliam.

'Thirty-five marks an age when many women are in stable relationships where the initial passion has fizzled out, or they are having children, or working hard at their careers, or just not playing the field.'

'It's more normal than we think,' adds sexual and relationship psychotherapist Paula Hall. 'Quite simply, there are periods in women's lives when they just don't have sex.'

If we were to use the lives of the nation's bed-hopping celebrities as a benchmark, it would be fair to assume that Britons are constantly jumping in and out of bed with each other. But those women who spoke to the Mail to reveal how they have found themselves in a sexless wilderness at what should be the prime of their lives tell a very different story.

Angela ended a seven-year relationship when she was 30 after her boyfriend refused to commit to her. 'We had sex every few days throughout our time together,' she says.

'Afterwards, I was bereft, even though I ended it, and any sexual urge left me as I grieved for our relationship. I felt like that for a couple of years.'

In a bid to change her life, she started a university course in London, but found that as a mature student she had little in common with those around her.

'Surrounded by nubile 21-year-old students, I felt as if was in the midst of a sex fest that I wasn't part of.' Before long, she found she had simply slipped out of the habit of dating.

'I haven't had sex now for 12 years,' says Angela. 'I'd love to be in a sexual relationship. Society and the media make me feel as though everyone else is at it like rabbits. It's a relief to know it's not like that at all.'

Caroline Newbury, a 39-year-old mother-of-two and part-time PA, admits she hasn't had sex for five years since splitting with her husband. But it is clearly something that bothers her: sex - or rather the lack of it - is the main topic of conversation when she goes out with her girlfriends.

'I miss the intimacy of sex - I miss the cuddling up, the holding and the closeness, as much as the physical act,' says Caroline, who lives with her daughters Sophie, 16, and Alexandra, 12, in Guildford.

'I've had a few dates, and I'm sure the men I went out with would have been willing, but where would I go? 'There is no way I would take a man back to my home with my daughters there. Nor would I go to the house of a man I hardly knew.

'I'm very keen not to inflict any sexual relationship on my girls, who are my number one priority. I am so busy, with work and looking after them, I feel that I have hardly any time for myself.'

But even before she and her husband divorced, Caroline admits that their sex life had taken a turn for the worse. 'We were married for 11 years,' she says, 'and at first it was fantastic. But then he seemed to go off sex - which made me feel undesirable and unloved, and really had an impact on our break-up.

'I feel like I have lost the spring in my step that a healthy sex life gives you.

It's like having a precious secret - something that makes you smile to yourself. Instead, I'm pouring myself into my work and bringing up my two girls.

'I don't want to go out looking for sex, as a few of my single friends have done.

That isn't me at all. Yet I would hate to think this is the end of my sex life for ever and I will hit the menopause and become a dried-up old woman.'

The agony for women who find themselves at a sexless stage of their lives is that they are faced with sexual images everywhere they look.

They are there every time we switch on our television sets, or open the pages of a glossy magazine; sex is used in advertising, for the romantic, racy plots of chick-lit novels, and it plays no small part in the nation's news coverage.

Who can have failed to read about the extramarital antics of sports stars such as John Terry and Ashley Cole in recent days? Or miss the comments of stars such as former Spice Girl Mel Brown who, when speaking recently about her Hollywood producer husband Stephen Belafonte said: 'Most days, we have sex five times.'


Sexless wilderness: Angela Garvin's last relationship broke up 12 years ago, and she hasn't had sex since


Mere mortals could be forgiven for feeling that their own sex lives pale in comparison.

According to Susan Quilliam, society's highly sexualised image is a myth. 'The suggestion that a quarter of women aged 35 and over are not having sex doesn't surprise me at all,' she says. 'My surprise is that 75 per cent of women are still having regular sex at that age.

'Women in this age group are often in stable relationships. The first flush of getting into a relationship brings a lot of sex, but if you stay with the same man, you are going to want to have sex less, and so is he.

'Then you add in having babies, and the pressures of modern life, then you add in the expectation that makes you feel bad because you're not having it - and you start to get the picture.'

Quilliam could quite easily be talking about 37-year- old lawyer Sarah Redwood.

Sarah, who lives in Chesham, Buckinghamshire, with her husband Nick, also a lawyer, and their children Lucy, six, and Max, four, hasn't had sex with her husband for three years.

'As a result,' she says 'our marriage is dying on its feet. We seem to argue constantly and we have lost the closeness we had before the children came along.'

Yet this is in stark contrast to the beginning of their relationship.

She recalls: 'Before we got married, we had sex at least every night, sometimes twice. But it was as if by putting the ring on my finger, we were witnessing the death knell of our unbridled passion.

'Within that first year, our sex life began to fall into a routine of maybe once or twice a week.'

The arrival of children only compounded the problem. 'We used to make love all over the house before marriage,' says Sarah. 'But with very young children, we found we had to grab what opportunities we could, in bed, and they became fewer and fewer.

'I had a difficult second pregnancy and was very tired, and I didn't want Nick to come near me. I know he felt pushed out and neglected.

'After Max's birth, Nick complained that my sex drive seemed to disappear. He felt that he was "forcing" himself on me, which must have been horrid for him - but I was too tired to care, and just wanted him to get it over with so I could sleep.

'I started to fake orgasms, too, and gradually Nick found life was easier simply not even to try. I can understand why men have affairs in the year after a baby is born, or when a woman is pregnant.'

According to Quilliam: 'As women, we are primed to make love until we have babies, and then to turn our attention to the next generation. If you're happy about the fact that you're not having sex, then it isn't a problem.


No intimacy: Louise Whittington, 37, from South West London, has not had sex for five years


For most of her 20s, she admits, her career with a leading law firm came first.

'In many ways my life is fulfilled. I own my own flat, I have a job I love and masses of friends - yet I don't have that intimacy and closeness in my life.'

Louise is all too aware that while she mixed with other singletons in her 20s, many of her circle are now married. In a bid to take positive action and improve her chances, she has tried internet dating and joined the 'Elect Club' personal introduction agency.

'Sex is important,' she says, 'but it's the complete experience I need.'

The same is true for Kathryn Holloway, a 37-year-old management accountant from Warwick.

She hasn't had sex for three years since ending a five-month fling with a married colleague. 'It sounds like I'm talking about someone else when I hear myself say "I haven't had sex for three years."

'Sex has always been important to me - a key part of feeling connected to any man I was dating or in a relationship with.

'My relationships in the past have tended to last between four months and five years. The last one ended when I was 33, and I was heartbroken.'

Soon after, she embarked on a relationship with a colleague after he began flirting with her at work, but ended it because she felt cheapened by it.

'It had the effect of putting me off sex because I don't ever want to feel used like that again. I haven't slept with anyone since.'

The good news, according to Susan Quilliam, is that women who are going through a sexually barren period of their lives may rediscover their sex lives later on.

'New research from Sweden suggests that a healthy person's capacity and desire to have sex can last much longer than we thought - particularly in women,' she says.

'The old belief was that after the menopause, women lost interest in sex because of hormonal changes.'

In fact, says Quilliam, those changes can have the opposite effect. 'With the menopause, when oestrogen levels drop and testosterone levels rise, some women start to feel renewed desire.

'They feel like they're 17 again. The children have grown up and left home, they have more money and time to go away for weekends. They rediscover that side of life.'

Relationship counsellor Paula Hall is similarly optimistic. 'Our sex lives wax and wane depending on our life stage and our opportunity to be with people.

'I see couples who talk about going for months without sex, and they are referring to a particularly trying time in their relationship - perhaps when a child is ill and sharing their bed, or they have the mother-in-law staying.

'Later on, they have a bit of a break and go away on holiday and they're at it every day.'

However bleak the picture then, the message from experts for those women without a sex life is hopeful. In other words, take heart: just because you're not having sex now, doesn't mean that you'll never have it again.

Additional reporting: SADIE NICHOLAS and DIANA APPLEYARD


source: dailymail

Not tonight darling - we men have lost our libidos: The surprising reason why women aren't having sex as often

By Maureen Rice

Problems: Relationship experts say there are a number of reasons why men are losing their desire for their partners such as the rise in internet pornography


When Juliet Parks, 41, first met her husband George, 49, she described their sex life as 'wonderful'.

She recalls: 'Instead of going out on Saturday nights, we used to stay in, have a bath together, drink Champagne, then make love for hours.

'Afterwards we'd sit in our dressing gowns, talking, laughing and eating from the fridge, before going back to bed again. Sex was an event - something we both loved.

Ten years on, she says: 'We were having sex about two or three times a year, and it would last about ten minutes. He never even held my hand in the street any more. There was barely any physical contact.

'I tried everything I could to reignite his interest in me sexually. I sent the kids for a weekend to their grandmother's, bought sexy underwear, and even went onto an internet forum to find some new tips for turning men on.

'But nothing worked. He'd just say he was tired, or not well, or some other excuse. I gave up eventually because it was too humiliating and hurtful being rejected all the time.'

As heartfelt as her words are, it seems Juliet's situation is far from unusual. A survey this week revealed that women are not making love nearly as often as they think they should be.

More than a quarter of women over 35 surveyed said they 'never' have sex, while in Scotland that figure rose to 38 per cent.

So, what is at the heart of this phenomenon? It has always been known that women's libido is a complex entity. Are stressful jobs and complicated lives sapping our desire to make love? Do women inevitably lose interest once they've had children?

A recent book, The Sex Starved Wife by Michele Weiner Davis, argues there is another oft-ignored element to the debate, a troubling new trend: the decline of male desire.

Michele's book caused a storm when it was published in the U.S. as it brought into the open the subject of long-term relationships where it's the man who refuses to make love. Such relationships, it would seem, are far more common than anyone had ever realised.

A whole industry of sex advice in books and magazines - not to mention several generations of standup comedians - has led us to believe that men have urges while women have headaches.

But this book reveals that this couldn't be further from the truth.

'As a society, we've perpetuated this myth about the ever-turned-on-male,' says Weiner Davis. 'But all my research suggests that the differences between the genders aren't as great as we've been led to believe.'


Not interested: A recent study by Relate, the couples' counselling organisation, found that there was a 40 per cent rise in the number of men who had no desire to have sex with their partners


It's a finding that's been duplicated here in the UK. Recent research by Relate, the couples' counselling organisation, reported a 40 per cent rise in the number of men who didn't want to have sex with their partners, compared with ten years ago.

'It's a massive increase,' admits Paula Hall, a counsellor with Relate and the author of Improving Your Relationship For Dummies.

'Some of it can be put down to the fact that we are becoming more willing to admit to problems like this - it used to be considered too shameful even to talk about. But there are lots of other more complicated reasons, too.'

Bringing the subject into the open, she says, is the most important first step to fixing it.

'Wanting a sexual relationship and being rejected by your partner is hurtful and frustrating for anyone,' says Paula.

'But it can be especially devastating for women in this position, precisely because we're all led to believe that men always want sex and women don't.

'I've seen many women in relationships with "low- desire" men who think that they are somehow deeply unattractive or unfeminine, because they're the only woman they've ever known to have this problem. The unhappiness it causes, and it's negative impact on relationships, means it's too important not to talk about.'

There are many reasons why men are losing their desire for their partners, including the massive rise in internet pornography, and increased stress and anxiety around work and money.
'Twenty years ago, pornography was something you had to search out and buy,' says Paula Hall.

'Now it's on every home computer, and more and more men are ruining their sex lives as a result, because they can meet their desires without their wife.'

The 'cartoon images' of arousal and satisfaction in porn, she says, 'are also giving a whole generation of men ridiculously unreal expectations about what real sex is like.

They become unable to be aroused without the extreme stimulation of pornographic images, and their idea of what women like in bed is also warped.'

The recession, too, is creating extra stress on men.

'Extreme emotional states, such as stress and anxiety, affect men's libidos very negatively,' Paula Hall says.

'Huge numbers of men have lost their jobs, and many more are worried about losing theirs, or have to work extra hard to make up the work that used to be done by those who are now redundant.

'They go home to their wives with stress hormones coursing through their bodies, and they just can't feel arousal under those circumstances.'

This, in turn, can lead to another vicious cycle: performance anxiety.

'Between 20 and 30 per cent of men may experience problems with their ability to become aroused, or with climaxing too soon,' Hall adds.

'It's not surprising that fear of this happening again leads many men to close down and not to want to try at all.

'Of course, just because a man doesn't want to have sex with his partner doesn't necessarily mean that he doesn't want to have sex with someone else.


Close: For couples who reignite a stagnant sex life, say experts, there are often surprising side-effects


'I saw one couple in counselling who embodied this problem. He was in his mid-50s, very good looking, and in good shape. She was 15 years older and had not aged so well.

'They'd been together for 20 years and he'd lost interest in having sex with her. But he wanted to stay married - he said he still loved her, and their lives were very entwined. He just wanted to have sex with someone new.'

She has also heard men complain that their wives have gained a lot of weight, that their bodies have changed too much, or that they 'don't make enough effort' to wax their legs or make themselves sexually appealing in other ways.

'This can be devastating for the woman to hear,' says Hall. 'He's supposed to love her, not her flat stomach.

'In a few cases, men really do just want something new and different. But in most it's either a hidden resentment - for example, a man will feel that if his partner has gained weight it's because she can't be bothered to make an effort for him any more - or simply that he has stopped seeing her as a sexual being.'

But according to Relate, the most common reason for low desire in men is 'relationship reasons'. Many women don't realise that men's levels of desire are closely linked to other aspects of the relationship - just like theirs are.

'Sex is connected to everything,' says Paula Hall. 'If he's angry or resentful about something - maybe you don't give him enough attention, or he thinks you nag him, or don't appreciate his work, or a hundred other reasons - his desire closes down, or he withholds sex as a way to express his anger.'

And then it just snowballs. The more he doesn't do it, the more he doesn't want to do it. She, in turn, becomes hurt and resentful, and the relationship gets worse.
Fix your relationship, says Hall, and watch the sex improve.

'You may not even know he's angry - he might be withholding sex to express something he can't express in any other way. You will have to be patient, not get into a blaming cycle, and try to resolve whatever the problem is.'

For Juliet, this was the route back to a satisfying sex life with George. Driven to the brink of divorce, they agreed to 'one or two sessions' of counselling as a last-ditch attempt to find out why things had gone wrong.

'I thought the counsellor would focus on why George wouldn't make love with me,' says Juliet, 'but instead she got us to describe our relationship when we were having sex; when things were good.'

It turned out to be the key. 'George and I got together relatively late - after he'd already been through one unhappy marriage and divorce.

'I used to worship him. I'd send him texts and emails, bought all his favourite foods, listened to him for hours. But after we had the children, five years ago, I just didn't have time for all of that.

'My nurturing instincts went on the children, and I expected George to support me. I didn't know it was making him feel lonely and locked out.'

After talking about it honestly, agreeing to help each other and to prioritise the relationship, the Parks are still happily together.

'Sex isn't what it was in the early days, but 18 months after we admitted we had a real problem, it's good,' says Juliet.

'I feel as if we really connect again, and the important thing is that we talk about everything that we're feeling now, instead of bottling it up.'

But for Margaret Brooke, 45, and her partner Ben Hicks, the answer was not so simple. 'Our sex life was hot, fast and furious - until we moved in together,' says Ben, who is also 45.

'Now we do everything together - from the grocery shopping to watching TV to going to the football on Saturdays. Margaret will even sit on the floor and talk to me while I'm in the bath. We're closer than ever - but we're like best friends or brother and sister.'

According to therapist Esther Perel, the author of Mating In Captivity, this is at the heart of many sexual problems.

Nobody wants to sleep with their sibling, and the very nature of long-term relationships, with their shared domesticity and frazzled family rotas, means that's often, in effect, what we become - whether we realise it or not.

Living together as a couple means sharing and closeness, says Perel, while sexual desire needs mystery and difference.

Another relationship expert, Helen Fisher, of Rutgers University, believes that waning desire is due to the mellowing effect caused by brain chemicals as our relationships move through three distinct phases.

First is lust, when sex is at its most frequent; next comes romantic love, when it levels out but may become deeper and more intimate; and finally attachment, when it's something we fit in during the ten minutes between getting into bed and falling asleep, on weekends and holidays only.

'This is certainly true to some extent for many couples,' says Paula Hall. 'They love each other, but gradually stop seeing each other as sexual beings.

'The trick is to stay an individual within the couple, to have interests outside the relationship, and to celebrate your differences instead of trying to turn into one unit.'

For couples who reignite a stagnant sex life, she says, there are often surprising side-effects.

'You may find you argue more, or your conversations become more heated. When you bring the passion back in one area, it tends to affect other areas too.'

If your relationship is close, safe but sexless, Hall says a good trick may be to stop avoiding conflict, and start disagreeing and letting your feelings out. Create a more passionate relationship generally, and see how it changes the sexual dynamic.

Whatever the specific cause for a man's low libido within a relationship, Michele Weiner Davis believes it can be brought back.

'Sex and touching are the ties that bind,' she says. 'It will always be more important to some couples than others, but I don't buy the idea of the sexless couple. Human touch is so important.'

And Paula Hall says: 'It's important to remember that many long-term couples go on having great, rewarding sex throughout their lives.

'A little waxing and waning is normal and to be expected - but don't let yourself get into a rut. One of the biggest myths about desire - for men and for women - is that it's something that just happens.'

That, Hall says, is completely wrong: 'Don't wait to be in the mood. We've found that for plenty of men and women, a "kick start" is all they need. Watch a sexy film together, or flirt by text.

'Many men will get in the mood once they get started, even if they weren't ten minutes ago.'

From the research this week, perhaps it's advice that many women would do well to heed.

source: dailymail

'Irresistibility' gene that makes the fittest's sweat smell sweet to the opposite sex

By Fiona Macrae

Irresistible? Men find women - such as actress Christina Hendricks - more attractive if they have higher levels of the MHC genes


Whether you are irresistible to the opposite sex or not may be a direct result of how sweet your sweat smells to the object of your desire.

Research shows that clues to the genetic make-up of a woman could be held in her perspiration – or in her looks.

According to Australian scientists, who studied the DNA of almost 150 university students, the secrets of attraction are hidden in immune system genes that we inherit from our parents.

Clues to this could be contained in a woman’s appearance or sweat – which signals to potential partners that children produced would have the greatest chance of fighting disease.

The volunteers, including would-be doctors and engineers, also filled in detailed questionnaire about their love lives.

The DNA was scrutinised for variation in genes known to influence the immune system.

The more diverse these genes, the stronger a person's defence against disease.

The results of the genetic tests were then matched up with the survey answers.

This showed that the women with the most varied major histocompatibility (MHC) genes, had the most sexual partners.


More attractive women - such as actresses Scarlett Johansson and Charlize Theron - could show higher levels of the gene in their looks or sweat


The scientists, from the University of Western Australia, can't be certain why a woman's immune system affects her success with men.

Importantly, they aren't clear whether her genes make her irresistible to the opposite sex - or whether she finds them irresistible.

But that say a possibility is that a woman's appearance or sweat contains clues to the genetic make-up of her immune system.

Previous studies have shown that the more different someone's sweat is to yours, the more pleasant you find them - and their sweat.

It is thought the phenomenon evolved to prevent us unintentionally mating with relatives - or others who are genetically similar to us.

Alternatively, women with a diverse array of MHC genes may be naturally more gregarious.

Or, as the researchers put it: 'It is possible that MHC-diverse women have more sexual partners because they actively seek more partners, rather than because males prefer diverse partners.'

A third possibility is that women with strong immune systems are simply more choosy about who they settle down with.

The research team concluded: 'None of these explanations are mutually exclusive and, regardless of the underlying mechanism, the effect of MHC diversity is intriguing and deserves further investigation.'

There was, however, no link between a man's MHC genes and his success with women, the journal Animal Behavior reports.


source: dailymail

Meeting Women In Stores, Online And More

By David DeAngelo
Relationship Correspondent

This article is sponsored in part by DoubleYourDating.com (What's this?)

Yes, it's that time once again: The day we feature your dating and relationship questions. Although we would like to answer each one personally and with as much detail as possible, the overwhelming amount of inquiries forces us to highlight those that are most interesting to AskMen.com readers.

This week's Q&A focuses on meeting women in stores, how to be Cocky & Funny online and what to do about sensitive women. David DeAngelo, author of Double Your Dating: What Every Man Should Know About How To Be Successful With Women, has your answers.

reader's comment
David,

So, I go into a shoe store the other day and I'm just kind of browsing. The clerk -- a cutie of age 21 -- asks me if she can help me. I kindly ask her to get me a certain pair to try on. As I put the shoes on, she enthusiastically squeaks: "Wow, those shoes look great on you!" I mock her in the same high-pitch tone: "You’re on commission, you need to say that!" She then gives me that playful little slap on the arm and tells me I'm "a little sh*t."

I go on teasing her for 5 minutes or so and she asks me if I would like a job at this store. When she gives me the application, she also hands me her home address and phone number and asks me to hand-deliver it that night. To keep it short, that night I gave her more than my job resume!

Now, David, the previous situation is very unusual for me, as I rarely have much to say, period. I've always been very shy and very quiet, but I'm starting to come out of that. I'm not scared to approach women or anything, but I just don't know how to start or keep a conversation, you know?

DK, Indiana

david d. responds
Oh, nice one!

Great example of how to use Cocky & Funny with a woman!

And as for meeting women, stop worrying about starting or keeping conversations going.

Just walk up to women, get their phone numbers, and then get together with them later for a cup of tea.

No "starting of conversations" required.

You're doing fine -- don't worry about "conversations."

And if you do wind up in a conversation, just start out by talking about normal things, then transition into the Cocky & Funny material as you progress.

reader's comment
Read your stuff -- interesting. Makes a lot of sense to appear different than all the others. I
have one question, however: This Cocky & Funny stuff (can I call it "friendly mocking?") really only works on women who are sure of themselves and who will not take your jokes to heart. But how many of those are in the world? I mean, with today's "perfect" pop stars most women have at least some insecurities. So, how can you use this technique and not accidentally hit a weak spot? Is there a neutral Cocky & Funny approach?

J., Brooklyn, NY

david d. responds
I think you're hitting on an important point here.

I think that a lot of guys "secretly" want to figure out a way to meet women without risking anything.

This is probably why online dating web sites are so popular.

The problem with not wanting to risk anything is that it creates a mindset that leads to being average.

And "average" doesn't create attraction.

I teach guys to use a specific kind of humor that I call "Cocky & Funny."

One of the purposes of the Cocky & Funny technique is to clearly demonstrate that you are not intimidated by a woman, and to instantly communicate that you are different from other men.

You'd like to know the magic way to "not accidentally hit a weak spot."

But guess what?

Accidents happen.

Risk is part of life.

Don't worry so much about hitting a "weak spot" while you're teasing or busting on a woman -- just concern yourself with making sure you're being funny while you're doing it.

If you meet a woman who is so sensitive that she can't take a joke, or you "accidentally" overdo it, don't worry about it. No biggie.

She's probably either too uptight or emotionally fragile for you to have a good time with anyway.

If you want to make a cake, you have to break a few eggs, man.

Remember, your objective isn't to be mean to women, or to hurt them. Your objective is to use a specific type of humor to create attraction.

And give up this "neutral" idea. Neutral is boring. And boring is not the way to create attraction.

reader's comment
Hi Dave,

I have been [reading your articles] for a while now and boy have they been working. As a matter of fact, I was actually using Cocky & Funny all the time without even realizing it. For example:

In one of my classes there is this girl that acts weird most of the time (she's a solid 9.5) and one day she was talking to me, and I just turned around and said to my friend: "Did you say mental hospital?" I got a shot in the arm for that one.

I kept unknowingly using Cocky & Funny on her for maybe three days, and then after one Cocky & Funny comment she replied (with her hand on my shoulder): "I like you, you make me laugh," then she winked and turned around. I was shocked! I mean, I had basically been making fun of her. Little did I know that I had been doing everything right (this was before I started getting your e-mails).

So, anyway, my question: I have no problems meeting women in malls, on campus, etc., but what about online? Are there any Cocky & Funny comments I can use to start a conversation? The only ones I can think of are when they have ridiculous/absurd chat names.

Thanks,

A.

david d. responds
Well, one of the great things about teasing women is that you can basically guess things about them and they'll respond.

For instance, if you're talking to a woman online and you haven't seen her picture, you can say:

"OK, you're probably some hairy, manly, 700-pound beast, and that's why you haven't sent me your picture..."

(Use this kind of thing when she says that she's a model or dancer, etc. and it's obviously not even close to the truth.)

The bolder you are, and the funnier, the better you'll do when guessing.

Try it, you'll like it.

David DeAngelo

This article is sponsored in part by DoubleYourDating.com (What's this?)

David DeAngelo is the author of the book Double Your Dating: What Every Man Should Know About How To Be Successful With Women, and several other products that can help men become more successful with women and dating. He also publishes a free online Dating Tips newsletter, available at www.DoubleYourDating.com.


source: askmen

Is She Faking It?

By David Strovny
Sex Education Correspondent
Every Saturday

This is a subject that has plagued man’s curiosity for ages -- most likely because the problem is pervasive and of a pandemic proportion.

We informally polled 15 female friends and the result was that all of them admitted that, at one time or another, they’ve faked an orgasm. Yup, that’s right, at some point, it is highly likely that your girl has padded your ego, screamed aloud and didn’t feel more than the jolt she feels after a bite of dark chocolate -- maybe even less than that.

While we're certain that more than half of all women have faked an orgasm, not all of them fake it all of the time. But how can you tell? Read on and we’ll explain why she might fake it, how you can tell if she’s faking or not, and we'll even provide you with tips on what to do about it.

her reasons
Aside from her unwillingness to shatter your ego by stating it was your lack of technique that resulted in her artificial happy ending, there are a myriad of other possible reasons for her to fake an orgasm.

One such reason could be the amount of alcohol she consumed. While some women claim that their inhibitions are lowered in their inebriated state, thus, increasing their arousal, the reality is that alcohol is a downer. Physiologically, it reduces sexual arousal and vaginal lubrication. It takes longer for a woman to achieve orgasm, if she can at all. Another possibility is her perceived expectations of you and sex. She may feel that she’s disappointing you if she doesn’t come. She might also think that you’ll regard sex as a failure if she doesn’t reach her peak.

Maybe she’s tired or is thinking about things; women can live in their heads. If she’s distracted, tired or worried about something, chances are she won’t be having an orgasm tonight.

signs she’s a faker
She’s not wet
A woman simply cannot fake being wet. If she’s producing enough of her own lubrication to be pleasurably moist down there, you can safely assume that she’s enjoying herself. So, when you rub, kiss or slide your leg between hers and encounter friction and dryness, you can assume that she’s not turned on. If she appears to be having a good time, she is most likely acting her way out of your bed in an attempt to end it quickly.

Sudden orgasm
Now, what if she is not enthused during the build-up? You are mightily pumping away or gradually easing into your groove, and without warning, bam! She comes with a loud and sudden scream, an affected shudder, a dramatic sigh, and then nothing -- except maybe her unconcealed boredom and her desire to be somewhere else, evidenced by her agility and quickness in leaving your warm bed. Often, a satisfied woman will languorously dwell in bed. She’ll snuggle or fall asleep in blissful satiation. Chances are that she faked it if she was bored, had a sudden attack and dashed off to go watch TV.

She’s distracted
Do her eyes wander while you make love? Does she seem to be concentrating on something other than the moment and your hands, lips and body moving across hers? If she looks distracted for the duration of your intimate moment, she is not feeling that orgasm she’s trying to evince. Usually, right before a woman achieves an orgasm you’ll see an intense concentration and focus so she may enjoy those overwhelming feelings. If she’s looking at you in a kind of abstracted way, she is probably not being so truthful in her moans and cries for more.

Maybe it’s taking her longer to have an orgasm or maybe it was done faster than it has ever been done before. Use your judgment. You know what she sounds like when she’s riding that crest. You know how her eyes darken with passion, and the approximate amount of time it takes for her to feel unbelievably hot, wet and irresistible. If these things seem off, your spidey senses should definitely be ringing.

signs she’s for real
You’ll know that she’s for real when her body temperature is up, her labia are swollen, wet and are a darker pink or purple than usual. They’ll also give off voluntary and involuntary muscle contractions, and her clitoris will be larger than normal. Her breasts may feel bigger in your hands as they’ll be a little more swollen, and her nipples will be hard and erect. These things just can’t be controlled by a woman and will be easy for you to see and discover.

how to deal with an actress
Talk to her to find out what she likes and how she likes it. Be her willing student and learn how her body works. Ask her to show you what she likes and how she likes it, and to let you know when you’re doing something she does or doesn’t like. Encourage her to be vocal.

What you don’t want to do is get angry, blame her, antagonize her, or make her feel guilty or lacking in some way. Let her know that time has no meaning when making love. If she feels like she wants to have an orgasm, she can; if she enjoys the sensations without the orgasm, that’s great too. There should be no pressure to achieve orgasm placed on her to fulfill her or your sexual expectations. If you can do this for her, she will assuredly appreciate your intentions and leave the acting behind.


source: askmen

Top 10: Female Sex Fantasies

By Isabella Snow

If you think women don’t sit around fantasizing about very naughty things, think again. Women are experts when it comes to dreaming up the sauciest of fantasies, and they don’t bother limiting themselves to the traditional.

The top 10 female sex fantasies covers everything from fetishes to threesomes, and you may be surprised to know that many women want to do more than just fantasize. Some women spend just as much time hoping their men will help put their female sex fantasies into practice. Sound interesting? Read on: We'll give you the inside scoop on the top 10 female sex fantasies, and what she’s really daydreaming about when you least expec it.

Start with No.10


No.10 - Domination (her dominating you)
Women love a big strong man who can sweep them off their feet and carry them into the sunset -- but you may be surprised to learn that one of the top female sex fantasies is to have that same big strong man begging for sexual release in the bedroom. This involves tying you down to a bed while she forces you to pleasure her with your tongue; the entire scenario revolves around you worshipping her body and begging for her attention. Why? She gets to be in control while enjoying total devotion from her man in the process. What more could she want?



No.9 - Domination (you dominating her)
The advent of the metrosexual is most commonly blamed for this top 10 female sex fantasy. It seems that modern, independent women actually prefer real men who aren’t afraid to embrace their testosterone. This woman fantasizes about you pinning her down, thrusting her thighs apart with your knee and penetrating her as savagely as you possibly can. She wants to feel your fingers snake through her hair and pull her head back; she wants to feel your teeth on her shoulder; she wants to be owned -- if only while in the bedroom (after which, she’ll want a clear return to equality). This win-win female sex fantasy scenario allows her to fully indulge her femininity, while still espousing the merits of feminism.



No.8 - Teacher/student
You’ll be thrilled to know that the Britney Spears fantasy isn’t just for men: Women love the idea of dressing up like a schoolgirl and parading about for your viewing pleasure. Many would even like to take it a step further, playing the naughty tart who won’t stop teasing you until you pull her over your knee and give her the spanking she craves. That’s right: Loads and loads of grown women fantasize about getting a proper spanking from their man. A spanking from you is exciting for two reasons: Not only does this mild show of dominance hurt so good, but it also usually leads straight into hot, hot sex.


No.7 - Sex with a stranger
Most women wouldn’t have the chutzpah to act out this top 10 female sex fantasy, but you’d better believe that most have thoroughly enjoyed thinking about it. No-strings-attached sex is something many women would love to experience, but most are dissuaded from it thanks to a lofty load of self-produced guilt. Nevertheless, her panties definitely get wet at the idea of a gorgeous male approaching her in a dark, smoky bar and taking her back to his room for a long, hot night of wild sex. This female sex fantasy appeals to her naughtiest side -- the kinky one that rarely sees the light of day, thanks to a lifetime of religious and societal conditioning.



No.6 - Threesome with another woman
These days, it’s fairly common for straight women to get down with other women now and again, making this top 10 female sex fantasy a not-so-unrealistic possibility. That being said, this threesome fantasy rarely involves you getting playtime with the second hottie, as most girlfriends do not want to see their man touch another woman. In this scenario, you’re meant to play voyeur until your woman is ready for something more hardcore. This allows her to experience the best of both worlds without having to worry about things like jealousy or sharing.



No.5 - Threesome with two men
This top 10 female sex fantasy involves the woman being worshipped and adored by two gorgeous men. These men are typically heterosexual and, therefore, only interested in the woman -- which translates into a whole lot of action for her. Her sex fantasy might be as innocent as being penetrated by one man while performing oral sex on the other or it might go further, drawing on more hardcore aspects such as double penetration and the like. This female sex fantasy is the ultimate taboo for many women, which makes it all the more fun to imagine.



No.4 - Voyeurism
If you think women don’t enjoy watching other people get it on, you’re completely mistaken. Your woman likes to watch for the same reasons as you do: It’s erotic, exhilarating and slightly taboo. She may fantasize about peeping through the neighbor’s bedroom window, spying on a kinky couple in the park or even catching a full-on orgy from the sidelines. Believe it when we tell you she enjoys "watching" just as much as you do; it allows to her be naughty without getting her hands dirty, so to speak.


No.3 - Rape
As mentioned in our common female fantasies article, rape is a massively popular fantasy among women. Most psychologists believe this top 10 female sex fantasy allows a woman to have the wild, dirty sex she craves, without having to suffer the guilt that often follows. These female sex fantasies usually involve a gorgeous man carrying her off to his bedroom and quickly getting down to business. She’ll protest as he tears her clothing off and expertly arouses her body, but on the inside, she’ll love every minute of it. This continues to the point of penetration, and leads her to an incredible orgasm despite her earlier protests. This female sex fantasy allows a woman to be wanton and enjoy sex -- something society rarely permits.



No.2 - Exhibitionism
She might cringe when you bring up the topic of making homemade porn flicks, but your woman has probably fantasized about doing precisely that at one time or another. Unfortunately, most women are far too body-conscious to experiment with such things, making this a top 10 female sex fantasy, as opposed to a reality. Believe it or not, some women even take this desire to the next level, fantasizing about others watching as you shag her silly in a public place.



No.1 - Private dancer
Most women wouldn’t have the nerve to strip in a public setting, but this top 10 female sex fantasy definitely involves taking it all off. She loves the idea of tantalizing you with a striptease, and she’d love to give you a private lap dance. Why? Your enjoyment tells her you find her attractive, and your erection tells her she has control -- a potent combination that women simply can’t get enough of.


source: askmen

Forget Viagra! Sound waves can send your sex life into orbit

By Pat Hagan

Firing shock-waves into the body could be a radical new way to boost the love lives of men with erection problems.

The pain-free therapy boosts performance by stimulating the growth of new blood vessels in the genital area.
A small trial involving 20 men who were taking Viagra or similar drugs for impotence problems was so successful that, by the end of the experiment, 15 of them were able to throw their pills away.

None of the volunteers reported any pain or side-effects from the treatment.
The radical new therapy, which is on trial in Israel, uses a very mild form of lithotripsy, a technique developed more than 20 years ago for the treatment of kidney stones.

Waves of sound are beamed through the skin, and although they pass harmlessly through body tissue, they are at just the right pressure to smash up kidney stones into tiny sand-like particles that are then passed out of the body in urine.
But in recent years, several studies have also shown that this type of shock-wave therapy appears to have a healthy effect on blood vessels.
It triggers the release of an important substance called Vascular Endothelial Growth Factor, or VEGF, which sends out a signal for new blood vessels to start growing.
As a result, shock-wave therapy has also attracted increasing interest from cardiologists looking for new ways to treat heart disease.
U.S. and Japanese researchers are investigating whether firing shock-waves towards the heart will help it sprout healthy new blood vessels.
If so, it could offer a lifeline to patients who are too ill to undergo heart bypass surgery.
According to Israeli research, the same benefits could help men who suffer persistent erection problems.
Some health experts are now convinced there is a close link between impotence and heart disease, and that problems in the bedroom can often signal hidden blockages in blood vessels near the heart which are reducing blood flow around the body.
Doctors at the Rambam Medical Centre in Haifa, Israel, recruited 20 men with an average age of 56 to take part in the trial.
All 20 were already on medication and had suffered mild to moderate erection problems for an average of three years.

During the three-week course of treatment, low-intensity shock-waves were repeatedly fired into five specific points in the genital area, using a handheld device.

Doctors then assessed the severity of the men's ailments on a 30-point scale called the International Index of Erectile Dysfunction, widely used to measure impotence problems.

The lower the score, the greater the problem.

Before the trial, the men averaged scores of between 12 and 20 points, which meant they had mild to moderate sexual dysfunction. But after treatments, their scores increased by between five and ten points.

Experts say anything in excess of five points is a significant improvement.

Viagra and similar medications, such as Cialis and Levitra, have transformed the treatment of impotence in the past ten years, around 30 per cent of men who take them see no improvement.

For these men, the only other options are to inject drugs straight into the penis, or use a pump that manually increases blood supply to the organ.

Dr Yoram Vardi, who led the trial, says: 'Drugs are not a cure. When patients stop taking their medication, then they cannot function.

'With shock-waves, we can do something biological for the problem. These patients can then function without the need for medication.'

Dr John Dean, president of the International Society of Sexual Medicine, said the findings were 'intriguing' and worth following up in larger studies.

But he warned that earlier attempts to use shock-wave therapy for another condition called Peyronie's disease - where the penis is bent and painful when erect - had failed.

'These findings are interesting and definitely warrant further investigation,' Dr Dean said.

'But we are a long way off saying that men should go to their GP asking for this treatment.'


source: dailymail

Scientists claimed it was the mysterious key to sexual fulfilment. Now they say the G-spot doesn't exist. Oh well, at least we enjoyed searching for

By Linda Kelsey

Great fun: For many couples, the importance of finding the G-spot was far less than having fun trying to find it


Has the G-spot finally been laid to rest? Or merely gone into hiding? As a research team from King's College London reports in the Journal Of Sexual Medicine that their study of 1,800 women found no proof of the G-spot's existence, many women will be breathing a sigh of relief that they can finally give up the fruitless search for this sexual Holy Grail.

Others will continue to swear that finding their G-spot has infinitely improved their sex lives. And the silent majority, I suspect, will be wondering what all the fuss was about, having never much bothered - or maybe dared - to get to grips with this elusive erogenous zone.

I feel I have my own place in G-spot history - or perhaps mythology would be a more appropriate word. It was 1982 and I was deputy editor on Cosmopolitan Magazine.

There was a frisson of excitement in the air as we sat around the features conference table. We'd just heard news from the U.S. of a ground-breaking discovery.

One that could potentially have a significant role to play in women's understanding of sexual pleasure.

A trigger point had been identified inside the vagina which, when firmly pressed, caused a whole new kind of orgasm. Back in the early Eighties, a new erogenous zone was a rather more thrilling prospect than it might be today, when many women seem more interested in a designer handbag bought half-price in the sale.

I recall how we looked at one another goggle-eyed. Was this G-spot some kind of practical joke? How were we to take seriously the 'findings' of someone known as Beverly Whipple? Did she and this so-called G-spot really exist? Why hadn't anyone mentioned it before? Had we Cosmo girls been holding out on one another?


The woman who started the frenzy: Beverly Whipple, who released a book about the G-spot in 1982


Personal sexual confession was our daily bread, the inspiration for nearly all our features, but no one had said a word about this little piece of tissue, which has been described as starting out the size of a pea and extending on arousal to that of a 2p piece, as a special place of pleasure.

Such was the enthusiasm in the Cosmo office that day that one hardworking assistant requested the rest of the day off in order to embark on her own research at home.

At the magazine, we relished the prospect of a new sexual carrot to dangle before our ever-eager readers (actually, it wasn't new - but it was to us and our readers).

For a while, it felt like another beacon on the path to sexual empowerment, a welcome signal that we were on the road to equality and fulfilment. We embraced the G-spot with gusto.

Meanwhile, Beverly Whipple, now Professor Emeritus at Rutgers University, wrote a book called The G-Spot, which went on to sell 600,000 copies and spawned a new sexual revolution. Or, depending on your point of view, a new sexual neurosis.

So were we at Cosmo guilty of perpetrating sexual myths by heralding the G-spot on the cover? I don't think so. The research seemed pretty convincing at the time and we saw no reason not to share it. In fact, we felt a responsibility to share it.

Cosmo was the first magazine to talk openly about sex to young women, the first mainstream magazine to embrace a brand of feminism that allowed women to liberate themselves without losing their femininity or missing out on men.

Of course, we didn't always get it right. Some readers wrote to say they were delighted to make this new discovery, others were frustrated by their inability to nail the spot.

Andrea Burri, one of the co-authors of this week's report claiming the G-spot is a subjective idea rather than a physical reality, has rightly expressed concern that women who feared they lacked a G-spot might feel inadequate.

'It's rather irresponsible to claim the existence of an entity that has never been proven and pressure women and men, too,' she said yesterday.

But I've yet to meet a woman whose sex life has been ruined by hopelessly seeking her G-spot, and I know quite a few who've happily found theirs. The important issue raised by all this speculation about the G-spot's existence is whether focusing on the clinical aspects of sex encourages an over-emphasis on mechanical function rather than sensual, erotic, intimate pleasure, thereby reducing sexual experience to a series of expert moves, with orgasm as the essential finale.


This is an attitude likely to encourage promiscuity by promoting cheap sexual thrills at the expense of loving relationships. But while the last thing I'd advocate is loveless, mechanistic sex, in my experience it's a lack of knowledge, rather than an awareness of how your body functions, that leads to the greater unhappiness.

As a young woman in the Seventies, Cosmopolitan was my personal sex manual, rescuing me from sexual ignorance and inhibition and a real sense of being a sexual lost cause. I know I wasn't the only one who felt that way.

Before the G-spot came to prominence in the Eighties, the Hite Report, in the late Seventies, found that most women were orgasmic, but not necessarily through intercourse.

And those who were unable to achieve orgasm through intercourse felt guilty about it. That was how I felt, too, before I learned what made me tick sexually. Not many young women today would feel guilty for not having the right kind of orgasm because they so much better understand how their bodies function. And we have feminism to thank for that.

I've recently been catching up on episodes of the TV series Mad Men - set in the early Sixties - and even though I was growing up in that era myself I'm shocked, looking back, at just how badly young women were treated sexually before they started to take control of their own bodies and their own lives.

If anything has got lost along the path to sexual knowledge it is the understanding that great sex is as much in the head as it is in the body. Mechanistic sex results in a pleasure that lasts only as long as the orgasm itself, whereas sex that embraces all the senses, resulting in orgasm or not, can leave you with a glow, a sense of well-being that lasts for days, reinforcing long-term relationships as well as cementing new ones.

For me, the G-spot is neither here nor there. Or, as a friend of mine, married for 20 years, put it succinctly: 'I've never found mine, but I've had a helluva lot of fun with my husband looking for it.'

I'm still a believer (and if you're not, maybe you should blame your man)By FLIC EVERETT

Most so-called 'sex experts', including me, have a few key phrases in their armoury of advice. 'Spice it up' is one. 'Invest in some sexy underwear' is another. But the most useful orgasm-enhancing suggestion has long been: 'Find your G-spot.'

Admittedly, few of us are doctors, and even fewer have engaged in lengthy studies of the female orgasm. But, until now, we've trusted the scientists who have.

Which is why it comes as something of a surprise that new research suggests the G-spot - which these scientists insisted was the key to sexual pleasure - may in fact be as much of a myth as the unicorn.


Keep at it: It may or may not be there... but it can't hurt to try and try again


The elusive spot was 'discovered' in 1944, by gynaecologist Ernst Grafenberg, and is named in his honour. He concluded that the G-spot was a bundle of ultra-sensitive nerve endings located between one and two inches up, on the front interior wall of the vagina, and that when stimulated correctly, it can produce sensations entirely separate from a standard orgasm.

His claims sent sex researchers into a frenzy that has not abated nearly 70 years on. Entire books have been penned on the G-spot - recent publications include Understanding The G Spot by Donald L. Hicks, and The G-Spot PlayGuide: 7 Simple Steps To G-Spot Heaven! by Kim Switnicki.

These supposed experts are fully convinced that a world of ecstasy awaits, just as soon as you can find the portal. (Even though most of their tortuous directions are about as accurate as the early sat-navs).


Even I, in my book Sex Tips For Girls a few years ago, offered tentative advice on locating this erotic El Dorado - though I did admit that perhaps not everyone has one.

Which is the key problem with most of the research. Without undertaking a global survey of every woman, it's always appeared impossible to determine whether some women are born lucky; whether we all are, but only some of us meet a partner who can unlock this sexual treasure, or whether every female who claims to have a G-spot is just a fantasist.

An Italian study, published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine in 2008, may provide an explanation. Dr Emmanuele Jannini of the University of L'Aquila used ultrasound to scan nine women who claimed they could experience vaginal orgasm, and 11 who could not.

All those who could showed evidence of a thicker wall of tissue between the urethra and vagina, at the point where the G-spot would sit. Without the extra nerve endings contained in this tissue, Jannini explained, women would be physically unable to experience this elusive orgasm.

Clearly, there is no comprehensive agreement on whether the G-spot exists at all - although one would think that the millions of women who believe they have one can't all be wrong.

And as an agony aunt who receives sackloads of mail regarding the inadequacy of young men's sexual performance, I have to assume that some women have a G-spot, but few are with men who can find it.

Whatever the truth, there's an entire industry devoted to the G-spot. On the internet there are instructional videos, explaining how to track it down with the accompaniment of flute music and flickering tea-lights.

More alarmingly, fresh from the U.S., there's even G-spot enhancement surgery, whereby for around £800, a 'qualified cosmetic surgeon' will inject collagen into your vagina to make it more sensitive. How this helps if you don't have one in the first place is not explained.

If it does exist, however, it's useful way beyond its orgasmic potential. Because according to renowned sexologist Beverly Whipple, author of The G-Spot And Other Discoveries About Human Sexuality published in 1982, a series of experiments on lab rats demonstrated that an orgasm has a more powerful pain-blocking effect than morphine.

Further studies on human volunteers found that when pressure was applied to the G-spot area, women's pain threshold rose by 47 per cent. Even Whipple admits, however, that: 'It may be that not all women have this distinct area, or the lack of universality may be due to the different criteria for identifying this area.'

In short, much like all the other research, the upshot seems to be, 'Er - we don't really know.'

For those who assume they don't have one, though, this latest study may prove reassuring.

Perhaps I and my fellow sexperts have been a little too gung-ho in the assumption that all it takes is a free evening and a thoughtful partner to experience G-force thrills.

Nobody wants to feel as if the rest of the world is shrieking with joy, while they're glumly wondering what all the fuss is about.

So after all these years, the answer to the million-dollar question: 'Does the G-spot exist?' is finally revealed. And it's a resounding... maybe.

source: dailymail

What an anti-climax: After 60 years scientists claim to have proved the G-spot doesn't exist

By DANIEL MARTIN

Subjective: British scientists claim the G-spot may not exist at all


For decades, hapless men have been fumbling around in bed for their partner's G-spot: the elusive erogenous zone said to send women into a sexual frenzy.

Now a huge British study has found they may have been searching in vain.

Researchers have found there is no evidence whatsoever for the existence of the pleasure point - and that it may not exist outside the minds of women influenced by magazines and sex therapists.

All that the myth of the G-spot has done is make men and women feel inadequate about their sex lives.

The G-spot is supposed to be a collection of nerve endings possessed by some women and not others. If activated by a sexual partner with the right technique, it can given women supreme sexual pleasure.

Sex therapists have made careers out of telling women they can boost their G-spot by eating the right diet, or doing more exercise.

But a study of 1,800 British women by scientists at King's College London has cast doubt on its existence.

Co-author Tim Spector, professor of genetic epidemiology, said: 'Women may argue that having a G-spot is due to diet or exercise, but in fact it is virtually impossible to find real traits.

'This is by far the biggest study ever carried out and it shows fairly conclusively that the idea of a G-spot is subjective.'

Andrea Burri, the other author, said she was concerned about women who feared they lacked a G-spot were suffering from feelings of 'inadequacy or underachievement'.

She said: 'It is rather irresponsible to claim the existence of an entity that has never been proven and pressurise women - and men too.'

In the study, 1,804 women aged between 23 and 83 filled in questionnaires. All were pairs of identical or non-identical twins. While identical twins share all their genes, non-identical ones only share half.

If a G-spot did exist, it would be expected that both identical twins would report having one. But in cases where one twin reported having the erogenous zone, the scientists found that no pattern emerged of the other one having the spot.

In fact, identical twins were no more likely to share a G-spot than non-identical twins.

Some 56 per cent of women said they had a G-spot, but they tended to be younger and more sexually active.

Experts claimed the study vindicated their long-standing doubts over the existence of the pleasure zone.

Gedis Grudzinskas, consultant gynaecologist at London Bridge Hospital, said: 'I think this study proves the difference between popular science and biological or anatomical science.'

The idea of the G-spot was popularised by sexologist Professor Beverly Whipple of Rutgers University in New Jersey in 1981.

It was named in honour of German gynaecologist Ernst Grafenberg (umlaut on a) who claimed to have discovered the erogenous zone in 1950.

Professor Whipple says she found G-spots in a study of 400 women, and described the new British study as 'flawed'.

She said the study did not look at lesbians or bisexual women - and failed to take into account the effect of different sexual techniques and the prowess of different men.

She said: 'The biggest problem with the findings is that twins don't generally have the same sexual partner.'

The British study will be published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine this week.



source: dailymail

5 Ways To Avoid Sexual Boredom

By David Strovny
Sex Education Correspondent

You love having sex, but sometimes plateaus set in and you may feel like you've covered everything and are simply going through the motions.

Well, even if you have done everything short of swapping partners, there are ways to keep your girl excited when it comes to having sex.

Here are five ways you can avoid sexual boredom and give your sex life some kick.

1- Switch tempo
Speed is huge when it comes to sex, so if you know not only how to slow down and speed up, but when to do so, you'll be making your girl orgasm at will.

Try starting off slow when it comes to penetration, then easing your way in. Then, as her breathing becomes heavier, begin to pick up speed, eventually penetrating her deeply and more quickly. Then, ask her what she wants you to do. Whatever she demands, go at that tempo for a little while, but then change tempos again.

It's up to you to determine what tempo your girl prefers and to constantly surprise her with varying rhythm and velocity.

2- Change foreplay
Too many couples start their sex play the same way -- all the time. You both lie in bed, you go down on her, she goes down on you, then you have sex. It's time to add some elements of surprise to the mix.

Foreplay can involve anything from sexual conversation to dancing. You can kiss her mouth or run your tongue up her back. There are no rules. There is no surefire system when it comes to exciting your partner. Try different things in your sexual approach.

3- Alter the ambiance
Don't be afraid to have sex in different locations. If you and she don't enjoy having sex outdoors or in strange locations, at least opt to have sex in different rooms of your home. The dining room table is good for eating anything.

Lighting can also add a little something to the sex. From candles to red lights, colors can enhance your appearance and may even be conducive to living out some fantasies.

Finally, music is a great add-on when it comes to sex. Although some people prefer silence -- and that's fine -- adding music to the experience on occasion will alter perception. Seduce her senses, dude.

4- Talk about sex
The best way to avoid sexual boredom is by tackling the subject of sex with your woman. You may discover that she fantasizes about kissing other women, watching porn or even trying sexual things you were sure she'd never be into.

Talking about sex can be your greatest ally for sexual ideas.

5- Incorporate props
While music, lighting and different locations can add a different spin to sex, using sex toys can also help ease her orgasm and allow you to explore each other's bodies in different ways.

From tethers to vibrators, take your girl shopping online or even at a sex shop and, starting small, begin using such props on each other.
keep it interesting
There are plenty of ways to ensure that a long-term sexual relationship doesn't translate into something commonplace. Creativity and spontaneity are your allies when it comes to sex, so use them wisely.


source: askmen

Top 10: Scary Girlfriend Behaviors

By Chris Illuminati

This article is sponsored in part by Jennifer's Body, available on DVD & Blu-ray December 29th (What's this?)

Every woman seems perfect at first because she is on her best behavior. Sure, she has a couple of glitches in her programming, but nothing that’s cause for concern. Recently, though, she’s been exhibiting some red-flag behavior. From showing up places uninvited to getting a little punchy during minor arguments, your girlfriend is displaying some scary character flaws that have you wondering if she is stable or even safe to be around.

Here are the top 10 scary girlfriend behaviors and what to do to keep things from getting worse.

Start with No.10


No.10 - She knows things about you that you haven't told her
Especially in the early stages of a relationship, men keep secrets; sexual escapades, yearly income and the amount of hair that is real (and fake) on their thinning domes. It will all be revealed in due time, but for now this is personal information. If she starts mentioning little secrets that you don’t remember revealing about your personal life, you'd better check your underwear drawer for your journal.

How to handle it: Ask her how she came to find out such information. Maybe you did tell her and you just don’t remember. Maybe she hired a personal detective. Whatever the case, let her know that you’d appreciate her just asking you anything she wants to know and not going behind your back to play private dick.



No.9 - She introduces herself to your family & friends behind your back
You've hesitated to introduce her to your friends and family because the relationship is new or you just might not be sure it's something that is going to the next level. Suddenly, your mom is asking questions about her and your friends want to know when she is coming out for drinks. She has found a way to skip your introductions and connect with the people in your life behind your back.

How to handle it: There is little you can do now that she has met everyone. The most important thing is to make sure the exposure to family and friends is limited. She probably won’t be honest about how much time she spends chatting with them via e-mail or over the phone, so you’ll have to ask them personally. If she gets in good with the ones you trust, it will be much harder to give her the eventual heave-ho.



No.8 - She responds to messages on your behalf
The obligations never end. If it’s not an out-of-town wedding this weekend, it’s a birthday party for a friend you haven’t said a word to in months. You’ll RSVP on your own time and on your own terms -- unless she has already made the calls and penciled in everything on your social calendar. She has become your social secretary, making sure to respond to every invitation with a “plus-one.”

How to handle it: As much as you’d love a personal secretary to handle your affairs, she is ruining your life by saying "yes" to everything on your social calendar. What’s worse, she is inviting herself to events you planned on attending solo. Let her know that you are the only person who can respond to social obligations and that getting invited to functions doesn’t automatically make it a plus-one. If she wants to play secretary, have her save it for the bedroom.



No.7 - She has all your passwords without you having given them to her
There is something odd going on: You have e-mails in your deleted items folder that you don’t remember reading, phone messages from friends that aren't making it onto your voicemail and text messages are disappearing off your cell phone. The only explanation is that your girlfriend has figured out your passwords. (Not like it was all that difficult, considering every password was “HelloKitty.”)

How to handle it: You could just change the passwords and pretend it never happened, but that wouldn’t solve the problem or prevent her from trying to crack the code another time. Confront her. If she fesses up, you’re going to have to keep your passwords safe and will probably not trust her for a long time (if ever). If she denies it, she’s lying, but at least she won’t try it again because you’re on to her game.



No.6 - She shows up in places unexpectedly
There are times when you just want to hang with friends or even just be alone. She doesn’t care about either. She shows up at the bar as if she were the guest of honor and knocks on your door before calling to see if you're home. She appears at work, at the gym and at the bookstore. Check your pockets -- she might be having you tracked.

How to handle it: Be blunt. Tell her you’re not a fan of the unexpected arrival. You might have to go so far as to flat-out tell her not to show up places. Another option is to just not tell her where you’re going or give fake plans. If she confronts you about not being where you said you would be, tell her that the stalking needs to end.


No.5 - She made a key to your house without asking
A brutal week at work has you dreaming of a night full of cold beers and hours of Xbox until your fingers cramp. You get home to find your partner sitting on the couch, waiting to go out. Not only is your weekend shot, but you can't figure out how the hell she got into your place. She made her own key. How she did it isn’t important right now because you should be much more concerned with why she did it and what you’re going to have to say to get it back.

How to handle it: She isn’t giving the key back and lord knows how many replicas she actually made at the store. It’s time to get creative. Accidentally lock yourself out of your place. You need her spare key to get back in. Plan accordingly and pick a time when she can’t accompany you to get back in the house. You go to her place to pick it up and never give the key back. Get the locks changed. Sleep with your keys around your neck. Invest in a guard dog.


No.4 - She stops taking birth control without telling you
As crazy as she's been acting, the sex is still porn-movie material. It makes sense because the crazy ones are always phenomenal in the sack. You ditched the love glove weeks ago because she is on the pill. At least you think she is on the pill. You haven’t see her take it, she hasn’t had to stop at the pharmacy for a refill and, now that you think about it, you can’t recall the last time she had a monthly visit from “Aunt Flo.”

How to handle it: You could just be imagining things, but come right out and ask her if she is still on birth control. Ask to see proof. Make up an excuse, like a friend who just found out his girlfriend is unexpectedly expecting, and it made you realize that you’re in no way ready to be a dad. She’ll want to ease your fears and show that she still pops the pill daily. If she can’t show proof, you’ll need to make a pit stop at the pharmacy for a new stock of rubber raincoats and a home pregnancy test.



No.3 - She gets physical when arguing
Couples fight. The minor disagreement has turned into a major shouting match. If you don't walk away, punches could be thrown. While you'd never hit a woman, your partner has cocked back and let one loose on you on more than one occasion

How to handle it: Whether it's just a jab to the arm or a shot straight to your mush, any type of aggressive skin contact is cause for concern. It could be something much deeper that you might not want to touch upon, so don’t bother asking because she will deny being physical at all. If you’re going to disagree, make sure to stand far enough away so she can’t make an easy lunge for your jugular.


No.2 - She threatens to hurt/kill herself
She is on to the fact that you aren’t happy and might be looking for a way out. She realizes that only drastic measures will keep you around. She starts making crazy statements in the middle of arguments, like,“If you leave, I’d probably kill myself” and other threats of bodily harm. Is she serious? You don’t really want to test her but you can’t keep up like this.

How to handle it: The other scary behaviors should have raised enough red flags. This is beyond typical and moving into serious emotional issues that need to be addressed. Even if she really wouldn’t kill herself and is just using it as a ploy to keep you around, it’s a serious issue that needs to be discussed by a professional. Bring up the subject of getting her help. If she accepts, you might have just saved a life. If she declines, you can at least say that you tried. That leaves only one last course of action: You have to break up.


No.1 - She won't let you break up with her
It's not going well (and that's putting it nicely). The relationship is a nightmare. It's time to pull the plug. Only problem: She won't let you. You've tried countless times, but she doesn't get the hint. She won't let you break up with her and every time you think she has understood the hint, she is back in your house, hanging with your mom and showing up at your work to go to lunch.

How to handle it: It's time to disappear. Don’t return phone calls or e-mails, and cut off all contact with her. Tell your friends and family to do the same, but explain the situation.


source: askmen