This week Doc Love helps a young guy decide whether dating other people is the right choice for his relationship.reader's question
Hey Doc,
Well, I’m really hoping that you can help me out.
I’ve been in a relationship with Cameron for over four years now. We got engaged three years ago but we were nervous and afraid to try to plan the wedding. Now it seems like we’ve both developed a fear of getting stuck. I often fantasize about doing things with other girls, and Cameron fantasizes about other men. She was overweight for her entire adolescence and now she has lost all of the weight, which gives her a chance to have some fun with other guys. To make the situation more complex, we met right after she and I got out of awful relationships. Recently, she kissed her old boyfriend when she visited her hometown and that hurt me a lot.
new relationship rules
We made up and have now moved to a different state. However, things have changed a lot. We had a long talk recently and Cameron decided that it would be best for us to be able to flirt with and date others, but with rules because she says she loves me too much to lose me -- and I feel the same way. Our main problem is that we have no friends to speak with; this new arrangement began with us looking for new friends in our new state because we only have each other, which has added to our feeling of being stuck. So now we’re going to be meeting new people and going to bars, having our own alone time and we can kiss, hold and touch others but we just can’t get really physically close with these other people, if you catch my drift.
Doc, I feel strange about this whole thing, but I’m eager to try anything to make the situation better if possible. Cameron tells me that she never really had enough time to experience other things in life and that she doesn’t want to feel like she’s part of an old married couple -- and in some ways I don’t either. I’m 26 and Cameron is 24, and we don’t want to be married yet.
But I’m conflicted and confused. Is it OK that we’re trying this new thing out and dating other people? Or, is it a sign that things will implode in the near-term? Please coach me. I feel very odd about this.
Zack - who is afraid of what might happen if he and his girlfriend start dating other people
doc love's answer
Hi Zack,
Let me get this straight. You’ve been with a girl for four years and engaged for three of them, and you’re still nervous about getting married? Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “If you’re so nervous, you shouldn’t even be engaged.” And if you shouldn’t be engaged after being with someone for four years, you have a problem with someone’s Interest Level -- yours, Cameron’s or both!
ready to settle down?
When both of you are doing all kinds of fantasizing about going out with other people, it means neither of you are ready to settle down. Because when you settle down, that’s it. And like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “Marriage is one guy and one woman -- nobody else, because there isn’t room for anyone else.” That’s the rule, otherwise you don’t settle down.
Now look at the situation you’re in. You have a girl you’ve been engaged to for three years, whom for one reason or another doesn’t want to set a date, she’s kissing her ex-boyfriend and she wants to find a bunch of new boyfriends to date. And you wonder why you have problems? I know you made up with her over the fact that she betrayed you by kissing her ex, but like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “All guys suck up when they get kicked in the guts. And you sucked up because you didn’t have the guts to get rid of her.”
But heck, I’m sure that Cameron doesn’t want to lose you. She doesn’t want to lose you so much that she wants to go out with other men! Zack, two and two are not adding up to five here! You might not want to lose each other, but you cannot have it both ways -- it has to be one or the other.
fear of commitment
Your problem isn’t that you don’t have friends, Zack. Your main problem is that you’ve been going out with a girl for three years that you’re engaged to and neither one of you can commit to marriage. And that means that there is a huge problem with one of the Interest Levels, yours, hers or both, like I said before.
But Cameron and you both insist you need new friends. Now let’s take a look at how you’ve gone about arranging this. Since you two are new in town and don’t have any friends, you want to go out and date as many other people as possible, but it means nothing. Oh, now I have it -- that’s perfectly rational.
What’s so fascinating about this new setup is that you think that any new guy Cameron starts dating is going to go along with these rules. You think she’s going to be making out with some stranger and all of a sudden she’s going to say: “Oops! Time to stop now! I’m really in love with Zack!” And the guy is going to back right off and say: “Oh sure, honey! No problem! I completely understand!” Are you sure you two aren’t smoking way too much dope?
it’s you, not her
Dude, you don’t really want to make this mess better like you say you do. You want to kiss up to Cameron and go along with her program. And her problem isn’t being stuck or wanting to meet new friends -- her problem is that she has low interest level in you. That is really your problem if you give it two seconds’ worth of thought.
The solution to your problem is really very simple. If you don’t want to feel like an old married couple, why don’t you and Cameron break up for a couple of years, go and date other people, and then get back together again? Because what you two are planning to do makes no sense. You’ve been engaged for three years but you don’t want to be married. So why did you get engaged? Hello? Like the great Doctor Freud once said: “That’s called simple deductive reasoning.”
Trying this new arrangement out is a complete waste of time, Zack. Like my cousin General Love says: “In case you haven’t noticed, soldier, things have already imploded.” Cameron wants to see other guys. She’s kissing ex-boyfriends. You’ve got problems -- big problems. Not with being new in town or being stuck, but with your girlfriend. Because she doesn’t know the first thing about Loyalty.
Remember, guys: If she wants to flirt with other men, it’s time for you to make your exit.
To hear my LOVE RADIO SHOW, send me your love questions or to find out more about “The System” visit me at www.doclove.com or call (800) 404-2644. For the past 30 years Doc Love has asked thousands of women, “Why do you stay with one man versus another?
source: askmen.com