This week's Q&A comes from a man who is afraid of screwing up his girlfriend's birthday. What's the best way to pull it off and make her feel special? David DeAngelo, author of Double Your Dating: What Every Man Should Know About How To Be Successful With Women, has your answers.reader's comment
Dave,
You have no idea how much I appreciate what you are doing for me and so many other guys out there. I had a crush on a girl I worked with and tried your Cocky and Funny technique anyway in spite of myself. I only let myself appear moderately interested, if at all, and eventually asked her if she wanted to take a ride on my bike (one of the main things we had talked about before was about me buying a motorcycle. She had already asked me to take her for a ride). That was the best date of my life and she's all I hoped for. Best part is, Dave, she's three years older than I am and I still have her wrapped around my finger.
To get to my question though, Dave, her birthday is coming up and because I really do love her I need to make sure I don't screw up when it comes time to give gifts and really make her feel special. I know you don't like relationships as much as singles' dating but could you offer whatever advice you might have. Thanks a lot, Dave, you're definitely a guru on all things dating.
M, Chicago area
david d. responds
Yeah, OK, I know I'm breaking my rule of not giving out relationship advice again, but this answer will be useful to all guys. By the way, it's not that I "don't like relationships as much as singles' dating" at all. In fact, I believe that most guys would really like to find a great woman to have a fantastic long-term relationship with -- I just focus on the "meeting and dating" part.
So, here's the problem: If you meet a girl that you really like, at some point early on in the relationship some type of holiday or occasion is going to turn up (Valentine's Day, New Year's Eve, her birthday, or some other one). You don't want to look like a total jackass by doing nothing -- I get it. Here's just a little bit of advice: You can make the occasion fantastic without being a Wuss. You can do something that will blow her mind without coming across as a needy, clingy, girly-man who is trying to impress a woman because he doesn't feel worthy.
Here’s an example of what most guys do: Call her up, tell her that you really like her, ask her where her favorite restaurant is because you want to take her there for her birthday, ask her what else she'd like to do, and then keep asking after she says "I don't care what we do, I just want to have fun" a hundred more times.
Here's what to do instead: Call her and say, "Hey, put on something cute tomorrow night and be ready at eight. I'm going to pick you up." If she asks what you're doing, just say "Be ready, no questions." Pick her up, take her to dinner, choose the food, and then bring her home and put a candle on a cupcake and sing her happy birthday. No asking her what she wants, no telling her where you're going and no seeking her approval. Get the difference? If not, read it again. There's a way to do everything without coming off Wussified.
reader's comment
David,
I am recently single and jumped back into the dating game. On one of the first nights I went out as a single man, one of my female friends and I kissed on a bet. I did not know of the bet, but I thought nothing of it after I found out. Although the girl that had kissed me was attractive, I had no feelings for her, just as I thought there were no feelings on her side. We will refer the this girl as Girl A. Some days later, hanging out in a bar with the same group of friends, I employed some of your most valuable tactics and met Girl B. Things were much different. I was very attracted to Girl B and I felt as though I had her attention as well. We talked at the bar, and as it turns out she is very good friends with some of my other female friends. We all ended up back at a friend's apartment, and Girl B and I sat on the couch and talked for hours. We made a weak attempt at sleeping and ended up kissing and holding each other all night.
The very next weekend, there was a party at the same apartment. Both Girl A and Girl B were present. Needless to say I paid attention to Girl B. Contrary to my original thoughts, Girl A did not like this. Toward the end of the night, Girl A made a scene and called me out to discuss this. After clearing up the problem, I went back looking for Girl B, but did not find her. I was advised that she was on her way to the car. I caught her on her way to the car and asked her if I could talk to her. After an explanation of the situation, and assurance that Girl A is out of the picture, she gave me her phone number (and that’s how we left it). Since then, Girl B has been reluctant to return my calls and get together. A situation that had worked great from the start is now compromised by someone else.
Your Thoughts?
E.
david d. responds
Your e-mail is profound. There are many lessons that can be learned from it and I want to point out a few of them. The first one is that jealousy can actually lead to love. This situation, where Girl A didn't have any "feelings" for you until she saw you with Girl B, is the rule -- not the exception. If your significant other breaks up with you, one of the best things you can do to get them back is to: (1) Act like you're OK with their decision to leave and (2) Start dating other people and let them know about it. This combination alone is usually enough to make them come back to you.
Jealousy is powerful. It's far more powerful than most people suspect. Jealousy causes people to do crazy things and feel very powerful emotions from love to hate. Your mistake in this situation was this: When Girl A "made a scene and called you out to discuss the situation" you went with her. If I was in that situation, I would have just looked at her and said, "You might want to consider acting like an adult here. I'll talk to you another time." I'm guessing that to Girl B you just came across as a whipped WUSSY who was cheating on his girlfriend, etc. Girl B didn't know you long enough to understand the relationship and have enough investment to feel jealous in this situation.
Ironically, the best thing you can probably do is get on with your life and date other women. In the future, don't allow a woman to throw a tantrum and control you and the situation. Trying to "get her back" is a losing game in most situations because the act alone suggests that you're needy (especially when you don't even know a woman very well and you're trying to "get her back" after one or two dates). The best thing to do is get on with your life, then call her in a month or two to see if she wants to have coffee. Don't talk about heavy things and don't mention anything about what happened. Just be casual.
David DeAngelo
source: Askmen.com