This week, Doc Love helps out a reader who made himself too available to his girlfriend. He failed to realize that he was overwhelming her and now he's single. What could he have to done to salvage the relationship? reader's question
Hey Doc,
I need some coaching. Things were going great with Crystal. She was asking for dates and even introduced me to her parents, but then something happened. Just before she left for a two-week trip to China, she was feeling very stressed. I asked her, stupidly, if she was upset over our relationship and she said no. However, she said that she was overwhelmed and felt like we were taking love to fast -- things were moving from “I” to “we” too quickly.
when to back off
I backed off. I got two e-mails from China, including a request for a date immediately upon her return. We had three dates after that, all at her request. She was sick during one of them and I offered to bring her some crackers and movies, and she let me. But, then she broke up with me. She came to my house and was in tears nearly the entire time. She said she doesn’t feel like she knows me after three months and feels like something is missing. I said: “You told me you were overwhelmed so I backed off. That’s why you haven’t met my friends.”
What should I do? Did I back off too much when she said she was overwhelmed? Did I just overreact to her girl drama? Any chance of getting her back? Of course, I only want a girl who wants me, but this girl and I have a lot in common and I really enjoy her. Plus, I have a thing for redheads.
I’ve owned “The System” for over a year, however, it’s hard to be perfect with it. I know confusion and mixed signals mean Low Interest, but I also know Crystal did all of our date requests and planning, she wanted me to meet her parents and she came to my house to break it off with me and spent an hour or so in tears. This girl definitely liked me.
Please help me.
Zev - who doesn’t know how he screwed up
doc love’s answer
Hi Zev,
It’s very good that a girl is asking you out on dates, but you shouldn’t be stacking dates, pal. You’re not going to accept a date for Monday, Wednesday and Thursday all at the same time. There’s no faster way to murder Challenge than by being available every night of the week. And let the girl ask you for dates, but there shouldn’t be any conversation between the dates.
who is in control?
Crystal’s scheduling the dates and so she thinks she’s in control. However, you’re actually in control here because you have “The System” and you understand that women with a high Interest Level chase men for dates. However, when Crystal said that there was nothing wrong with your relationship except that you were going from “I” to “we” too quickly, she contradicted herself, and that means you’re not getting the straight truth.
When a girl says she’s stressed, that means her Interest Level is on the way down. And remember: Only you can raise or lower her Interest Level. A trip to China has no effect on her Interest Level whatsoever, the same way that her mother being sick has no effect on her Interest Level either. To you Psych majors: What these girls do is camouflage their low Interest Level by telling you that the problem is something else.
When Crystal asked you for a date from China, you should have told her that you were confused right now and that you needed time to think -- because you’re on the way out and it would have been a chance to restart Challenge. Instead, you gave Challenge no chance whatsoever to reignite. You took all three dates with Crystal. The problem was that at the same time you were seeing her, her Interest Level was slipping from 49% to 47% to 43%. And when it gets to 39%, you’re out. She got sick during one of those dates because she was very uncomfortable trying to figure out how to get rid of you.
read the signs
Of course Crystal broke up with you because her Interest Level hit 39%. Women don’t leave when their Interest Level is 49% like men do. But Zev, what you didn’t grasp was that while she was talking about being stressed before her overseas trip, you were on the way out then. You missed a huge red flag when you failed to read the signs.
Do you know why Crystal was in tears when she was dumping you? Because she knew that it would hurt your feelings and she felt bad. But, she still dropped you, didn’t she? Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “She might have felt a little guilty lowering the broom on you, but she has a very forgiving nature.” Of course something was missing for Crystal: a high Interest Level! You might have backed off when she claimed to be overwhelmed, but you should have backed off a lot sooner.
What should you do? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “There’s only one thing you can do when she gives you your walking papers: find another girlfriend.” Face it, Zev, this girl is history. You didn’t back off soon enough. You made all kinds of mistakes to lower her Interest Level. At one time this girl liked you. Now she doesn’t because her Interest Level plummeted. End of story.
second chances?
You got no chance whatsoever of getting this girl back. And you don’t have anything in common with her, either. Because if you only wanted a girl who wanted you, you would be dropping her right now and I wouldn’t be trying to talk you into it. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “You might have a thing for redheads, boy, but the redhead ain’t got a thing for you.” All you’re talking about is your interest in Crystal, and that’s a given. But hers is the only one that’s important.
What all this tells me is that you might have owned my materials for a year, but you haven’t memorized them because you wouldn’t be in this mess if you had. My materials are a tool. However, unless you master the tool, you’re going to lose the girl. Of course it’s hard to be perfect with it. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says: “You think just because he’s good, Kobe doesn’t practice?” You have to study harder, my friend.
So what if Crystal came to your house to break it off with you? It wouldn’t matter if she dumped you at a restaurant, by e-mail or on the top of Mount Everest -- it’s the same difference. No matter which way she did it, you’re still out.
Remember, guys: Until “The System” is memorized, you’re not going to make it with women.
To hear my LOVE RADIO SHOW, send me your love questions or to find out more about “The System” visit me at www.doclove.com or call (800) 404-2644. For the past 30 years Doc Love has asked thousands of women, “Why do you stay with one man versus another?
source: askmen.com