It's a knockout: PT trainer Daniel helps Wendy through her boxercise session There is good news and bad about a transatlantic cruise if you are trying to shed a few pounds: the pizza delivery service in the middle of the ocean is non-existent, which is excellent; but food, glorious food, of every conceivable flavour, is otherwise on tap morning, noon and night.
The average weight gain over a week's cruise is 8lb, and if I'm to avoid this, the secret is to keep myself busy and away from the buffet.
On Crystal Cruises' Big Band Theme Cruise, from Miami to Lisbon, via Bermuda and the Azores, that will be a piece of cake because there's so much going on --classes, lectures, exercise, shows and lots of dancing to the Glenn Miller Orchestra. I've packed my dancing shoes.
Crystal Serenity, my luxury floating home for the next ten nights, is renowned for the quality of its dining, however, with seven restaurants and cafes to choose from, not to mention an ice cream bar, afternoon tea lounge and late-night snacks service.
I've packed my stretchy cocktail frock too.
Saturday: Day one, and I've been so good. My penthouse stateroom with veranda is fabulous. I toast the voyage with a glass of champagne - hardly any calories in it, really - and persuade my stewardess to take away the complimentary choccies.
I have even made Alex, my hyper-attentive, tail-coated butler, promise not to deliver Bad Things, only vegetables, for canapes. Not even a little caviar, he suggests, bottom lip practically trembling. Oh, just a little then. He's so keen to please.
I do well at dinner in Crystal Dining Room that first night too - delicious crab soup, steak, zucchini and mashed potatoes, fresh fruit. I am joined by delightful Elizabeth and her mother-in-law Molly, from America, Andy, from Switzerland, and Ronnie and daughter Iliza, on board to teach the watercolours art class.
Tomorrow I'll sign up for everything going, keeping my mind off eff-oh-oh-dee. I have an early night in case, willpower numbed by jet-lag, I pounce on the late-night snacks
Sunday morning, and we're on our way to Bermuda, and brekkie in the Lido Cafe is wonderfully healthy --juices, strawberries, muesli, nuts, eggs done to order and, yes, sausage and bacon. I'd anticipated mountains of Bad Things for me to resist but it is easy to eat well but healthily. However, I suspect the hyperactive waiters, like my butler, are feeders - you order one slice of toast but invariably two turn up. I'll have to watch them.
Right, time to get active. I sign up for art classes, spa treatments and three personal training sessions in the gym. I reward myself with one of the Trident Bar & Grill's famed hamburgers for lunch - but no fries - and I do a Pilates class in the afternoon, as well as art. OK, art's not that strenuous.
Tonight, the dress code is formal and I work off a number of calories trying to make myself look presentable for the Captain's Cocktail Party while ignoring the tray of non-veggie canapes that mysteriously materialised on the coffee table.
After dinner - no pud for me - it's the debut performance of the Glenn Miller Orchestra in the Palm Court. There are a few Glenn Miller bands around; most of the musicians in this one, under the direction of Dick Lowenthal, are from Florida.
Taking a break: It's not all hard work as Wendy manages to chill out on the deck of Crystal SerenityIt's music to move to: In The Mood, Moonlight Serenade, Little Brown Jug, all the Miller classics are played for an appreciative audience. I'm happy to sit and listen, though Ambassador Hosts are quick to ask lone females to dance. Some of the doddery old ladies from breakfast have sudden new-found vigour and don't wait to be asked, happily stalking a Host until he's free.
Monday morning, and I have my first PT session in the high-tech gym with fitness director Daniel. But I'm on holiday, I whinge, as he works me extremely hard.
Lunchtime, and I try not to undo the good work by losing control at the Nuevo Latino Buffet, then pootle off to art. Ronnie Antik is an expert artist and patient teacher. We create watercolours of a beach scene with palm tree plus an awful lot of mess, like a bunch of enthusiastic, if inept, toddlers.
There are 548 staterooms with room for 1,080 guests on board, but it is remarkable how quickly you make friends and find your favourite spots in which to meet up after you have followed your own itinerary during the day. It's an excellent choice for single travellers.
We're spoilt for choice for evening entertainment - tonight there's a funny magician, Mark Haslam, in the Galaxy Lounge before dinner, plus pianists, a sextet and a trio playing other public areas. Over the week, there are singers, a violinist, dance shows and musicals.
Tonight, though, my gang opts for Pulse, the little disco that becomes our private club.
Tuesday is Bermuda day and most passengers head off on an excursion. I retire to the spa for an Elemis deep massage, closely followed by La Therapie HydraLift Facial. Having 'me time' for a change is very relaxing.
The rest of the day is a bit of a blur until dinner, which tonight I enjoy in the speciality restaurant, Prego, which serves excellent Italian cuisine. I am joined by one of the Ambassador Hosts, retired gentlemen brought on board so that unaccompanied females have someone to dance and socialise with. Wayne is charming.
Wednesday. The great thing about a cruise is having so many facilities and activities to hand and time to do it all in. I'm struggling to fit eating into my busy diary. Reflections, the ship's daily bulletin, tells you what's on offer, from bridge to Portuguese lessons, dance to golf clinic, needlepoint to table tennis and scarf-tying tips to acupuncture seminar. There aren't many things you have to pay extra for, either.
Groupie: Dancing to the Glenn Miller Orchestra is the most enjoyable form of exerciseThen there are expert lectures every day. My head tells me I should be at the Secrets To A Flatter Stomach talk but, unfortunately, it clashes with the napkin-folding class.
At least I don't have time for lunch after my second PT session, just managing to force down a rum'n'raisin ice cream before art. Today, we make mermaid-tail bookmarks. Ronnie is diplomatic about my efforts but I soon realise that 'nice colours' isn't necessarily the compliment I think it is.
Post-art, we head to the Palm Court for afternoon tea - I have devoured two sandwiches and a fruit scone before you can say clotted cream.
That night, I'm torn between Million Dollar Musicals: A Salute To The Silver Screen, or another swing session with the orchestra. I manage to do both in the end, and have a nightcap in the elegant Avenue Saloon.
Thursday is a lovely day, and I walk a few laps of the promenade up on the top deck. It's awfully big, the Atlantic, and from up there, the ship looks so small. At least the ocean has been kind and there's not a big wave in sight.
Roger McGuinn, founder of The Byrds, gives a fascinating talk, there is beginners' origami and Ronnie's class today is called Mosaic Magnificence. We're joined by some of the Glenn Miller musicians, trumpet player Dylan, bass player Ben and excellent vocalist Matt Johns, who sounds very Sinatra-esque to me. We tell them we'll be in the audience for their performance tonight and can't promise not to try to put them off.
I arrive in my stateroom to change for dinner to find the phantom canape deliverer has struck again and there is an enormous platter full of creamy cheeses and other Bad Things. Somehow I resist.
At dinner, Elizabeth introduces me to the delights of Aviation cocktails - Bombay Sapphire gin, maraschino liqueur and fresh lemon sour - yum. Then the Big Band sound beckons once more...
Friday. I meet up with Elizabeth for breakfast, and she reminds me of some of the Bad Things I did last night, such as lecturing a Glenn Miller musician on how the orchestra's performance might be improved.
Serenity on the seas: The cruise is a hit with with all the passengersIt must have been that Aviation cocktail on my poor starving tummy. Two chipolatas, Canadian bacon and a toasted bagel redress the balance. Mental stimulation is what's needed, so I enjoy jazz historian Dr Robert O'Meally's informative lecture on the Battle of the Big Bands.
I manage to go right through my divine pedicure and the Gotta Dance spectacular in the Galaxy Showroom before I think about food again, which is just as well as more canapes arrive in my stateroom. This time I succumb. Deeply ashamed, I hide myself away for the rest of the evening, watching Slumdog Millionaire with my trousers unfastened.
Saturday and I have redeemed myself. Today is Grand Gala Buffet Day, which means no sooner has brekkie been cleared away than every inch of the Crystal Plaza is stacked with awesome cuisine, from seafood skyscrapers to pastries in every form imaginable.
But I stride straight past it all to my final PT class. This time, Daniel makes me float like a butterfly and sting like a - well, more like a sloth, frankly, during an extended bout of boxing exercise. I lie down by the pool for rest of the afternoon.
Tonight, the orchestra play on stage - you don't burn up nearly as many calories jiggling on your seat as you do trying to keep up with an Ambassador Host.
Sunday. My biceps are killing me today, so I take it easy, checking my emails and reading the papers. Isn't technology amazing? Even in the middle of the ocean you can surf the net.
Dinner tonight is the best of the entire cruise. Silk Road and The Sushi Bar feature the cuisine of Nobuyuki 'Nobu' Matsuhisa, prepared by chefs he has trained, and, astonishingly, you can eat here for just an extra $7 (£4.30) per person.
New chum Andy and I feast unashamedly on Nobu-style black cod with miso, rock shrimp tempura and wagyu beef rib-eye steak. Delicious.
By the time I reach the last day, I'm wondering how I will cope off the ship with no one to fetch and carry for me. I understand why cruises are so popular and I hear several passengers jokingly hatching plans to stow away when we get to Lisbon.
Back home, there is no one to ask if I'd like a goose down or isotonic elastic foam-filled round neck pillow tonight, and there is not a canape in sight. I stick a Glenn Miller CD on, and try to get back In The Mood, but it's not the same.
Still, at least I haven't put on any weight.
Travel facts
Crystal Serenity does one transatlantic crossing in 2010 - from Lisbon to Miami, departing December 1, calling at the Azores and Turks & Caicos.
Prices from £2,974 include return flights, transfers, ten nights in a deluxe stateroom with all meals and soft drinks, port taxes and basic gratuities.
Guests receive a shipboard credit of $500 per person.
Call 020 7287 9040 or visit www.crystalcruises.co.uk.
source: dailymail